Question:

I recently attended the funeral of my ex-husband. I wouldn’t have gone for his sake; I’m still angry at him. I went for my kids.

I was surprised to be told that even though we were long ago civilly divorced, because I never bothered to get a Jewish divorce, we are still considered married, and now I have to observe the mourning laws, from tearing kriah to sitting shivah.

Does it really make sense for me to sit shivah for a man I barely spoke to for 17 years, just because we once had a wedding ceremony together?

Answer:

In Judaism, we don’t have ceremonies. We have surgeries.

A ceremony is a symbolic act that marks something that has already happened, but nothing really changes from before to after. Consider a graduation ceremony. Graduation took place when you passed the exams. The ceremony only celebrates it. If you missed it, you are still a graduate.

Surgery, on the other hand, is not symbolic. You have to be there, and you come out different.

Judaism doesn’t deal in symbols. We deal in realities. Our rituals are spiritual operations.

Take a brit milah. The child is not the same before and after. He is physically circumcised and spiritually bound in a covenant with G‑d. That is not a ceremony. It’s spiritual surgery.

The same is true of a wedding. The chuppah is not a ceremony; it’s a spiritual operation. Under the canopy, the souls of the bride and groom are fused together. Beyond the emotional bond that already exists, a new connection is formed, a metaphysical bond on the level of souls. You arrive at the chuppah as two, and you leave as one.

This bond is lasting. Even if the couple lives apart, their souls remain linked. To dissolve that spiritual bond, another operation is needed, a get, a Jewish divorce. The Torah calls divorce keritut, a cutting off. It severs the soul connection.

The relationship may have ended long ago, but without a get the souls are still joined. This means your soul cannot fully connect with another until the previous bond is released. This is why Judaism would not allow you to marry another man until this relationship has been severed. And it also means that when his soul leaves this world, yours feels it too.

That’s because Jewish mourning is not a ceremony. It is the soul’s response to loss. Close family members are joined by blood and by spirit. It can be said that when one of them passes, their soul leaves this world and draws with it a part of those who were connected to them. We grieve not only their absence, but also the part of our own soul that has gone with them. This is why we must mourn even estranged relatives or separated spouses. The emotional bond may not be there, but the spiritual bond is.

He is gone now, and with him has gone that part of your soul that was tied to his. You do need to sit shivah, if not so much for him, for the part of you that was bound to him and is now released.

May this bring you closure and peace. His soul has graduated to somewhere up there. You can do the same down here below.

Note: Withholding a get, whether to prevent a spouse from remarrying or to “force” them to sit shivah is cruel and antithetical to Jewish values. Also note that halachah is nuanced and not all cases are identical. In the event of the passing of an estranged spouse, consult a rabbi as to how to proceed.

Sources:
Zohar, Part II, 102b
Arizal Shaar Hamitzvot Parshat Vayechi
Talmud Shabbat 106a: “When one of the group dies, the entire group should mourn.”