When does helping family become too much? It’s a question I’ve been grappling with for years.

I love my parents and would go to the ends of the earth for either of them, but in the process, it’s easy to forget about my own needs and what it means to take care of myself.

How do you take care of yourself while still being able to help your aging loved ones at any moment? That is what I am figuring out now. It’s a slow path, meandering and never-ending, but one thing is clear to me: it is not about being selfish.

So, what does it mean to take care of oneself?

There is a wonderful example in this week’s Torah portion, where Moses is instructed to take care of himself. Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, realizes that it is too much for Moses to hear each individual’s queries and grievances, and advises him to appoint a hierarchy of judges to assist:

Moses’ father-in-law said to him, ‘What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, you yourself as well as this entire people that is with you, for this matter is too weighty for you; you will not be able to do it alone.”1

In other words, Jethro is telling Moses to take care of himself to avoid burnout. Burnout is not a good feeling, and not good for one’s mental or physical health. Jethro was afraid Moses would overwork himself, potentially putting himself at risk of making a mistake in his judgment and causing hardship to others.

Jethro was being a loving and helpful nudge, reminding Moses not to forget about himself and his own needs.

Here are four lessons that I am learning and trying to internalize, a daily process of growth and understanding.

  1. Life is a marathon, not a race. I learned this from a friend and former boss. He told me this at a very hard time in my life. At the time, I did not really understand, but after a few years, I am coming to appreciate this concept. Life is a long journey, not a short spurt of time.
  1. One day at a time. My Dad taught me this. I can only think of today. Tomorrow will come, but today is today. My goal is to stay in the present and not think too far ahead. Spending too much time worrying about what might be will make you miss what is happening today and what your task is for today.
  1. The importance of physical health. I am trying to add more physical activity to my life. I’ve started walking and using a couple of exercise apps to work out at home. Taking care of your physical health will also positively affect your mental health.
  1. The importance of Judaism in my life. Building my spiritual muscles is incredibly important to me. I think of Judaism as not checking a box but an ever-developing journey. It does not stop flowing. Think of Torah as water; it finds every crack and crevice to flow into.

In my Judaism, I am learning to give it over to G‑d. Let Him take care of my burdens, and I will take care of building myself and taking care of my family. I can only handle so much, and He will only allow me to experience exactly what I am supposed to experience at any moment in time.

I am learning that I am not ready for everything all at once. It's okay to take it a little bit at a time, as long as one moves forward. No matter how fast and furious you want to go, G‑d will only allow you to go at the speed he wishes you to grow.

Moses had Jethro to tell him to slow down and take a step back so that he would not be worn down. We caregivers all need Jethros in our lives to remind us to take care of ourselves.